Cycle 2/Phase 3/ Day 7

It's been a while since I've been able to post.  I've been super busy building a forum for TeamDau Wellness.  It needs some tweaking, but I'm actually pretty excited about it!  I hope that it gets used a lot.  I think it could be such a great tool for support and bonding.  So, I'm on day 7 of P3.  I would like to be better at this phase.  I know that a lot of it is emotional.  So, that's what I need to work on.  Anyway... I don't have much to say.  I'm about 0.8 over median, which isn't too bad I suppose, but I would like to be under.  No worries though!  I'm doing ok.  So.... I hope that if you're reading this you'll consider joining our group.  It's been an amazing journey!  I'm 43 lbs lighter than I was Feb 26th!  My body is starting to regulate itself again.  That's huge for me!  Amazing!  Please join and I promise it will change your life.  Start Today!

Cycle 2/Phase 3/ Day 1

Today was the first day on Phase 3.  So, here goes the real challenge.  It's going to be a long phase.  I can't start my next cycle until the middle of August.  I indulged a bit today, but I did buy the groceries I need to prepare my plan meals with some modifications.  So, I have to just do it.  I will do it.  I know I'm going to feel impatient though.  I'm going to want to start the next cycle, but it's just not possible.  I sure hope I can keep it together until then and not mess up what I've worked so hard for.  It's going to take a lot of emotional and mental work, but I'm going to try to look forward to it.  We'll see!  It's exciting.  I have a lot of challenges and I'll be proud when I can overcome these obstacles.  Baby steps.

Cycle 2/Phase 2/ Day 19

After everything I thought about yesterday, I didn't do as well as I wanted.  I wasn't going to eat anything last night because I wasn't hungry.  I had some sorbet that I made as a treat for myself, but after I had that I got "hungry" and then ate my left overs from lunch.  I wasn't hungry.  I really wasn't.  I didn't "feel" hungry until after I ate my treat.  Ugh!  Fortunately I only gained 0.2, but jeez!  I really need to get this under control.  I am a little stressed lately.  I'm not sure why, but I am.

Ok, so tonight was another failure for me.  Argh!!!  I don't know what my deal is.  I think tomorrow I'm going to start the day with meditation and yoga.  I also think I need to go grocery shopping.  Part of my problem is that I'm scrounging around when I do get hungry.  So, my goal for tomorrow is to get some groceries, cook meals that are on plan and do the modifications.  I need to get back on Phase 1, but since I can't for a month or so, I'm going to have to get it together and make myself remember what I'm working for.  I have some sort of emotional block going on I think.  I need to do some self reflection and figure out what my problem is.  I'm just venting today.  I've been missing Russ so much lately.  Not just missing him though, but feeling jealous and anger that he's gone.  It started this weekend.  Father's Day weekend and I should have been spending it with him.  When I started thinking about it, I realized that we've never been able to spend it together.  I told R that we would go out to dinner.  I said, "looks like it's just you and me tonight!"  Then... I realized that it's always "just you and me."  I knew what I was in for when I got married and I still understand why we're doing what we're doing.  I know that we're sacrificing now, for later.  I'm just tired of it being "just you and me."  I really am.  I can handle the deployment.  I can.  I know it's temporary, but I'm just having a bad week I guess.  So, all this is just to say that maybe I am a little more stressed than I thought.  Meditation and yoga... That's what I'm doing tomorrow!

Cycle 2/Phase 2/ Day 18

I have really struggled this cycle, this phase.  Last cycle this time, I didn't have a problem with keeping my weight at or below median.  This time I have though.  Earlier I was upset, thinking that maybe the program didn't work after all.  That I was eating and shouldn't be gaining.  I kept thinking about it and realized, that I need to examine my motivation for eating and quantity as well as if I was stopping when I was full.  I was very conscious about that last time.  I ate more salads.  Honestly, I haven't even gone grocery shopping in a week.  So, when I think about those things it's no wonder I haven't done well.  So, I'm really trying to pay attention to what my body is saying about my hunger.  I'm trying to fight the urge to eat.  Trying to see if it's emotional or boredom or what.  So, that's my struggle.  I think it may be a little of stress eating.  It's so hard to get past that.  I have to find a new way to cope.  It's hard to get out of the familiar way of coping and find something new.  This will probably be a lifelong struggle for me.

The Day After.. Cycle 2/ Phase 2/ Day 15

I had my steak and apple day yesterday because I was 2.6 over median.  I haven't had to do that yet.  Last cycle I was below the median all the time.  This time, I"m having some trouble staying even.  Anyway.. Man!  It works.  It really does.  I didn't think it would to be honest.  I mean, (cover your eyes if you don't want tmi) I didn't go #2 between yesterday and today, so I figured the only way I'd lose weight is to do that.  Nope!  I weighed today and I was only 0.2 over!  So, it really works.  I didn't skimp on the steak either.  I had about 2 tenderloins.  Not tiny little fillets.  I mean probably about 12 oz of meat!  I was starving by dinner.

In other news.  I tried out the Kinect today for my xbox.  Oh man!  That is so much fun.  It's a work out too.  So, I think I'll get more things for the kinect, so that I can work out and have fun at the same time.  I've been trying to figure out how I'm going to start Cycle 3 when I'm traveling so much.  I think I just realized that I'm not going to be able to.  It's going to put me back a month and I'll probably only have 3 cycles done by the time Russ gets home, but that's ok.  I've already come further than I thought I could.  I was 242 when Russ left!  I'm 192 now!  I was 234 when I started this.  So, I'm not ashamed of how far I've come since late Feb.  Not at all.  It's a big improvement.  I still have a lot of work to do, but that's ok!  I will just keep going on with the program.  I'm going to get off here.  I just wanted to do a little update.

An Apple a Day..... Cycle 2/ Phase 2/ Day 13

Or maybe a steak and an apple a day...  anyway.  Today I'm dangerously close to having to do a steak and apple day tomorrow.  I actually went out and bought some steak and apples, just in anticipation.  I woke up this am and weighed and was surprised at my weight.  I really wasn't though.  I've been doing pretty poorly this phase.  Last time it wasn't this bad.  I don't know what my deal is this time.  I'm doing way more emotional and boredom eating.  In a way, I hope that I'm over so that I have to do the steak and apple day.  Maybe I will anyway, just so that I can have a do over.  There's a lot going on in the next couple of months.  I really want to start the next cycle, but I think that it would just be best to wait until after all my traveling is done.  It will put me behind about a month, but then I'll be able to do a 40 day phase 1 instead of the short phase 1 I was going to do.  That stinks, but oh well.  I really wanted to reach my 90 in 9 goal.  I don't think at this point I'm going to make it, but I'm ok with that.  I think I have the tools and the motivation to do it now.  With all the traveling I'm going to be doing soon, it doesn't make sense to try to do a new cycle during all of it.  I'll reach my goal, just might be a little more than nine months.  Or!  Maybe it won't.  Nine months will be Nov 26th, so I guess that's till possible.  My husband will be home by then, but that doesn't mean that I can't still be working on it.  I need to get off here.  I guess we'll see in the morning what the verdict for tomorrow will be.  I did roller blade a bit today and ate light.  So, hopefully I won't still be too much over median.

Cycle 2/Phase 2/ Day 11 & 12

Have you ever noticed that when you remove one addiction you just replace it with another?  Well, I have to admit that I'm struggling right now.  I definitely have some emotional food habits I need to deal with.  I think it's more than food though.  It's boredom and habit.  I'm also staying up later.  I want to take a break from technology for a while.  I like journaling though.  I'm not sure how much restraint I'll have to keep journaling, but not do anything else on the internet.  I'd like to stop everything.  Cut the tv, phones and internet off.  I feel like I need something simpler.  I want to live on some land and just be able to play with R outside.  I don't feel like I can do that now.  I feel like I'm stuck in this tornado.  So, I've started meditating again.  I swear, when I move, the tv is going down in the basement and the computer too.  I just want to travel with R and teach her that way.  I don't want to be stuck inside anymore.  I'm feeling claustrophobic.  What does this all have to do with my 90 in 9?  I think that losing weight and changing these habits have changed a lot of things.  My emotional issues are definitely coming to the front.  This is the part of the cycle that's the hardest.  Phase 1 I think you're so focused on just making it through, that you don't have time to think about what got you there.  Adding foods back in and not being on a schedule forces you to think about your motivation and whether or not you're really hungry.  Ugh...  I'm struggling this time.  So, my addiction is a cigarette during R's nap and one at bedtime.  Then my other addiction has been the sugar free ice cream.  Sigh.....  So, I have a lot to do.  I need to do the Forgiveness meditation everyday for a while I think.  Maybe even several times a day.  I need to find something to do when I'm bored.  It just seems like I have no energy to get her ready to get out.  If I can start the day without tv and the computer, then my day goes slower.  I'm rambling right now because it's so late.  That's why this is a double post.  Time to go to bed.  Think of me though.  When you pray or meditate, think of me.

What would you like to know?

I've been chatting here for about 3 months all about myself and my thoughts.  What would you like to know?  Are there any myths that you've heard that you'd like to know about?

CAN vs CAN'T and the price of cheating. (Cycle 2, Phase 2, Day 10)

I think I have a similar post from last cycle.  I probably will every cycle.  We talked once before about how doing this program is about choices.  It's not about what you can't have.  It's about what you CAN!  While you're on Phase 1 you may feel so very restricted.  Stop thinking about how you can't have different foods. Start thinking about the fact these are the foods you CAN have that will help you toward your goal.  These foods were chosen because they are the best foods that will help you to lose that 0.5-1 lb a day!  On those days you just feel like you just don't care and by golly, you're going to have a piece of pizza.  Well, have it by golly.  You CAN.  You won't get the results you want, but you CAN.  It will set you back probably a couple of days, but if that's worth it to you then do it.  Choices.  That's all it's about.  When you follow the program completely, you WILL succeed.  There are days though, that you just don't care and you want eat out with your family.  This is a choice I was faced with last night.  My daughter (she's almost 4) was craving a steak.  Yes, she's a big time carnivore.  Anyway.. I took her to Texas Roadhouse and we had steaks.  Before we left I had no intention of cheating.  As we sat down however, I started to change my mind.  It's been 53 days since I've had any sort of bread (who's counting?)  I did a 40 day Phase 1 this time.  So, as I said I had a choice to make.  Was I going to cheat or was I going to stick to the "rules" of Phase 2.  I'm not going to call them "rules."  I'm going to call them CANS.  The things I CAN have to reach my goal.  I CAN have, EVERYTHING except starch and sugar.  That's A LOT of stuff!  (Reminds me a little of the Tree of Knowledge of good and evil.  I don't know why I just thought about that because this is not at all as heavy as that.  You aren't choosing to disobey God in this case.  I just thought about it, because my brain likes to jump around as you see)

Anyway.... I'm going to start over down here because I got way off track up there.  So, I had a choice to make.  Knowing that if I cheated there would be a chance that I'd have to do a steak and apple day, I decided to go ahead and cheat.  I like steak anyway..  Well, they brought out the bread and I looked at the menu.  I ate one roll.  It was good, but not quite what I was hoping for.  Maybe it would have been better with actual butter not that yucky cinnamon butter stuff they have.  I had my salad.  That was yummier than the bread!  My daughter shared it with me.  We found out that blue cheese crumbles are a little too strong for her.  Haa!  My food came out.  Way more steak than I should have had, but dang it was good.  I loved every bite.  Even, when my tummy started feeling like it might be getting stretch marks I kept eating.  What in the world?!  I tried to do what Tom says about when you're done eating.  He says that it loses it's taste after a while.  Nope!  I tasted every. single. bite!  Then I stole 2 crunchy fries off of my daughter's plate.  She just ate the steak, no fries.  So, it doesn't sound like a bad cheat does it?  I weighed this morning and I'm 0.2 over median. So, I actually gained 0.4 because I was 0.2 under yesterday.  Still, not bad right?

Maybe it was bad though.  What I realized this morning as I weighed is that this is what I did last cycle.  I would have a tiny bit here and there and have no issues, so I'd have a little more.  By the end of my 21 days I was already eating like I was on Phase 3.  Cheating and then not seeing a bad result on the scale just gave me confidence to do it again.  So, this is why I think it's way worse to cheat.  Go ahead if you must.  I think though, that by cheating we're missing out.  We're missing out on the chance to work on ourselves.  Not just self control.  If you got through Phase 1 then, that's not an issue.  We're working on the mental part of eating.  The not eating for comfort thing.  Eating only when we're hungry.  Then, stopping before our stomachs get stretch marks.  This Phase 2 is extremely important.  It's not about the CANT'S.  It's about the CANS.  It's about remembering our original goal.  It's about working on our minds so that we can really be ready when it's time to move on.  It's about not giving ourselves permission to eat the bad stuff (though we can), but instead choosing to give ourselves permission to eat the stuff that will be good for our bodies.  Isn't that where most of us have failed in the past?  Choosing the bad over the good.  Choosing it because for some reason we don't feel like we deserve the "good stuff."  If our body is a temple, then let's start treating it that way.  Let's take each Cycle as a chance to clean out our temple.  Phase one would be cleaning everything out and de-cluttering.  Phase 2 is moving in the furniture.  The things that have to be in there.  Finally, Phase 3 would be decorating.  Putting in a few final little touches that make it our own.  Sometimes we have so much weight to lose that we repeat the cycles.  That's ok.  Don't feel discouraged.  Don't think about the CAN'TS.  There are way more CANS!  You CAN do it!  I believe in you.  Hopefully that's enough to get you started.  Sometimes that's all I need is for someone else to believe in me.  So, I'll be your someone if you want.

Forgiveness - Cycle 2/ Phase 2/ Day 6

I'm not Buddhist, but there are some aspects of it that I find very helpful.  I once bought this CD set called Buddhist Meditation for Beginners.  It was at a point in my life when I was very unsure how I felt about my own faith.  I'm still unsure to be honest.  I felt growing up that I was being strong handed into a religion that I didn't fully agree with.  As an adult I converted to Catholicism, but still there are things that I don't agree with.  Anyway, so this CD pack comes with guided meditations.  This is what I wanted.  There's one in particular that (just thinking about it makes me cry,) has been amazing!  It's a guided forgiveness meditation.  Man alive!  I swear to you, if you do this one you will be sobbing.  I don't care if you haven't cried in 47 years, this one will have you snotting.  I just got the essential oil called Forgiveness and it does smell great.  I put a little on, but I think when I get my diffuser, I'm going to do the meditation with the oil.  So, let me tell you about this meditation.  My mom and grandma, I think, just knew that me getting these CD's meant I was just going against god.  What I don't think people, especially churchy people, realize is that meditation is just like praying really.  Doing a rosary is praying, but also a meditation.  So, I really feel like it can go both ways.  Dang!  I keep getting off topic.

FORGIVENESS ..... I realized in the last post toward the end when I wrote myself that thank you, that I was actually forgiving myself.  I was finally going easy on myself.  Letting go (for that moment) of those mean, negative thoughts my brain tells me.  That was huge.  When I went back and re-read it I started crying.  I've been so mean to myself.  I'm fat, not worth it, unattractive.... That's crap!  So I banish you, you horrible monster.  You are not allowed in my brain anymore.  I'm am printing out that thank you note and I'm going to post it everywhere.  I'm going to post it as affirmation and to remind myself that I'M the one that controls those voices.  I'M the one that can make myself feel worthless and unattractive.  It won't matter how much weight I lose, if I still keep that monster in my head.  That monster will always try to steer me back into the rut I was in.  So.... I banish you!  And, I forgive you.  I FORGIVE you!  I FORGIVE you Doug, the man that raped me.  I FORGIVE you Mike, the man that molested me as a child.  I FORGIVE you crazy family, that has been nothing but pain to me since I was born.  I FORGIVE you SAM.  I forgive you for doing harmful things to yourself.  You were doing the best you could.  I can forgive.  I CAN forgive.  I can, because it's healthy for me to do so.  You can't swim while holding onto a boulder.  So, I'm letting go.  I'll still be working on forgiving myself, but others I'm done with.  They are the ones responsible.  In return I will also ask forgiveness from the people I have harmed.  I may not be able to personally do so, but I will put it out there.  I will ask it and send it to the heavens.  I hope they receive it and do the same for me.

This had nothing to do with weight.  Or.. maybe it does.  Maybe the weight we carry on our body is just a manifestation of the emotional weight we carry.  I've heard that people that practice Reiki are often overweight from healing people.  I'm over my median today.  I had a bit of a day yesterday.  I'm not more than 2 over, but I'd rather be 2 under.  So, I'm just going to examine my motivation for eating today.  Fortunately those stupid Klondike bars are gone.  In my tummy, but gone.  (They were delicious!)  I just want to say to you this.....  Forgive yourself.  Take care of yourself, and go easy.  Give yourself a break, even if it's just for today.

43 Pounds Ago..... or Cycle 2/ Phase 2/ Day 3

43 pounds ago, 

• I was very uncomfortable in my skin.
• I was self conscious about myself.
• I had given up.  I didn't care about what I ate or did.  
• I was scared that I might die and my child wouldn't have a mommy.
• I was in pain when I slept or sat for too long
• I was actually considering getting a bariatric procedure because I'd tried it all.
• I didn't think I'd ever be able to shop off the rack again.
• I hated bathing suits and just knew everyone was calling me a beached whale
• I would never have tried roller blading.
• I wouldn't have started working toward my original career goal
• I was ashamed to let my husband see me or hug me.
• I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH

That was 43 pounds in the past.  Now that past is gone.  Literally.  It is gone.  Down the drain and out to sea.  It's gone.  With every pound some emotional pounds have come off too.  So, here's my new list.

43 pounds later...

• I still have a ways to go, but I'm feeling more comfortable.
• I don't care what people think.  If only they knew where I just was 3 months ago.
• I feel hopeful again.  Although, I love my chorizo, I do care about what goes in my body.
• I still have fears about dying (that's the mommy thing,) but I'm not afraid it will be b/c of my health.
• I can't believe I had actually considered a major surgery for my weight!
• I am almost there.  I actually saw something on the rack that was my size!
• I still hate bathing suits for now, but the one I wore last year looks downright cute this year!
• I am roller blading!  Having so much fun!  I've never done it before and I'm not good, but having fun.
• I'm ready to push forward and finish my degree.  I'm going to be the person I wanted to be when I was little and before I let men get in my way.  
• I will still be self conscious around my husband, but I feel better.  There's more than weight.  The baby stretch marks, the flab around the c-section scar.  I'm still working on this one
• I'M WORTH IT!  

43 pounds in the future...

• I hope to feel content looking at my naked body in the mirror
• I won't care at all what people think.  It won't even be a thought in my head
• Eating well will be second nature and won't be such a struggle
• I won't worry about my health because of my weight
• I will be shocked and proud that I searched for an alternative to surgery
• Off the rack!  That won't be a problem
• No swim dress for me.  Though, they are cute.
• I'll be doing more than roller blading.  I'll be back to running and maybe even some hiking and climbing with my husband
• I will be working hard on my degree
• I will be less inhibited around him.  Just happy that I'll fit in his arms like I used to.
• I'LL EXPECT MORE FROM MYSELF, KNOWING I CAN DO IT!

This has been so much more than a weight loss journey.  It's been an emotional one as well.  I feel like I'm just discovering the woman I am and who I want to be.  It will always take work.  Even, when I'm at the weight I want to be, I will probably always have emotional issues to work on.  It's hard.  That's harder than the program I'm doing.  Thank you Tom and Vicki for sharing with me your message of hope.  Thank you Vicki for being so like me, that I can see the woman I'd like to become.  Thank you Karla for being a mentor to me and answering my questions.  Thank you, whoever reads this.  It helps keep me going.  I don't want to disappoint anyone let anyone see my fail.  This has been a great way to journal.  It's mostly been for me.  Last person to thank.  Thank you Samantha Belina, for doing your best.  Thank you for caring about your family enough to try "one more thing."  Thank you for not giving up even when it was hard.  Thank you for taking care of yourself.  Thank you!  You ARE worth it!  You ARE beautiful and you ARE smart.  You ARE a good mom.  You can do it.  I have no doubts.  It's ok to fall.  You have people around to help you get back up.  So, be easy on yourself.  

Cycle 2/ Phase 1/ Day 43

Today is the last day of Phase 1.  I'm moving on tomorrow.  I did well last time on Phase 2, but phase 3 was toughest.  I gained over median, but only by a pound.  I guess I was just upset because I had stayed 2 lbs under median.  This time I'm really going to have to work on the emotional aspect of it all.  When I had the option of eating what I wanted during Phase 3, I think I just ate anything.  I really didn't keep up with the veggies and fruits like I should have.  I'll be ok though.  This time I'm going to really have to work on that.  It's hard to go from such a restricted phase to eating everything you want to.  The good thing is that if I go too far over median, I can do a steak and apple day.  Fortunately I didn't have to do that last time.  I can't chat for long.  I'm just excited because two of my friends have signed up to start the program.  Yay!

193.2

Cycle 2/ Phase 1/ Day 42

I'm feeling great.  2 days no drops.  I don't feel hungry yet.  This is the part that always blows my mind.  I'm glad though.  It's good.  I'm excited to have a little chorizo and eggs for breakfast though.  Of all the things to crave and want to be my first meal, that's it.  I don't care about anything.  I just love chorizo!  There's a restaurant that does a great chicken breast with chorizo on it.  Yummmmmm!  It's Phase 2 friendly because there's no sugar and no carbs.  However, it is not a very healthy choice and falls on the emotional happy side of eating.  So, I may have to examine that when I come to it.  I think the break in between the cycles is a relief, but toward the last couple of days I was ready to begin again.  I have an aquaintance that is hoping to start soon!  I know she's nervous, but hopefully I'll be able to support her like I've been supported and encouraged.  I know this program works!  You just have to do it.  So, if you're considering this program let me know.  I'll be right here for you!