43 Pounds Ago..... or Cycle 2/ Phase 2/ Day 3

43 pounds ago, 

• I was very uncomfortable in my skin.
• I was self conscious about myself.
• I had given up.  I didn't care about what I ate or did.  
• I was scared that I might die and my child wouldn't have a mommy.
• I was in pain when I slept or sat for too long
• I was actually considering getting a bariatric procedure because I'd tried it all.
• I didn't think I'd ever be able to shop off the rack again.
• I hated bathing suits and just knew everyone was calling me a beached whale
• I would never have tried roller blading.
• I wouldn't have started working toward my original career goal
• I was ashamed to let my husband see me or hug me.
• I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH

That was 43 pounds in the past.  Now that past is gone.  Literally.  It is gone.  Down the drain and out to sea.  It's gone.  With every pound some emotional pounds have come off too.  So, here's my new list.

43 pounds later...

• I still have a ways to go, but I'm feeling more comfortable.
• I don't care what people think.  If only they knew where I just was 3 months ago.
• I feel hopeful again.  Although, I love my chorizo, I do care about what goes in my body.
• I still have fears about dying (that's the mommy thing,) but I'm not afraid it will be b/c of my health.
• I can't believe I had actually considered a major surgery for my weight!
• I am almost there.  I actually saw something on the rack that was my size!
• I still hate bathing suits for now, but the one I wore last year looks downright cute this year!
• I am roller blading!  Having so much fun!  I've never done it before and I'm not good, but having fun.
• I'm ready to push forward and finish my degree.  I'm going to be the person I wanted to be when I was little and before I let men get in my way.  
• I will still be self conscious around my husband, but I feel better.  There's more than weight.  The baby stretch marks, the flab around the c-section scar.  I'm still working on this one
• I'M WORTH IT!  

43 pounds in the future...

• I hope to feel content looking at my naked body in the mirror
• I won't care at all what people think.  It won't even be a thought in my head
• Eating well will be second nature and won't be such a struggle
• I won't worry about my health because of my weight
• I will be shocked and proud that I searched for an alternative to surgery
• Off the rack!  That won't be a problem
• No swim dress for me.  Though, they are cute.
• I'll be doing more than roller blading.  I'll be back to running and maybe even some hiking and climbing with my husband
• I will be working hard on my degree
• I will be less inhibited around him.  Just happy that I'll fit in his arms like I used to.
• I'LL EXPECT MORE FROM MYSELF, KNOWING I CAN DO IT!

This has been so much more than a weight loss journey.  It's been an emotional one as well.  I feel like I'm just discovering the woman I am and who I want to be.  It will always take work.  Even, when I'm at the weight I want to be, I will probably always have emotional issues to work on.  It's hard.  That's harder than the program I'm doing.  Thank you Tom and Vicki for sharing with me your message of hope.  Thank you Vicki for being so like me, that I can see the woman I'd like to become.  Thank you Karla for being a mentor to me and answering my questions.  Thank you, whoever reads this.  It helps keep me going.  I don't want to disappoint anyone let anyone see my fail.  This has been a great way to journal.  It's mostly been for me.  Last person to thank.  Thank you Samantha Belina, for doing your best.  Thank you for caring about your family enough to try "one more thing."  Thank you for not giving up even when it was hard.  Thank you for taking care of yourself.  Thank you!  You ARE worth it!  You ARE beautiful and you ARE smart.  You ARE a good mom.  You can do it.  I have no doubts.  It's ok to fall.  You have people around to help you get back up.  So, be easy on yourself.