Cycle 2/Phase 2/ Day 18

I have really struggled this cycle, this phase.  Last cycle this time, I didn't have a problem with keeping my weight at or below median.  This time I have though.  Earlier I was upset, thinking that maybe the program didn't work after all.  That I was eating and shouldn't be gaining.  I kept thinking about it and realized, that I need to examine my motivation for eating and quantity as well as if I was stopping when I was full.  I was very conscious about that last time.  I ate more salads.  Honestly, I haven't even gone grocery shopping in a week.  So, when I think about those things it's no wonder I haven't done well.  So, I'm really trying to pay attention to what my body is saying about my hunger.  I'm trying to fight the urge to eat.  Trying to see if it's emotional or boredom or what.  So, that's my struggle.  I think it may be a little of stress eating.  It's so hard to get past that.  I have to find a new way to cope.  It's hard to get out of the familiar way of coping and find something new.  This will probably be a lifelong struggle for me.

Cycle 2/Phase 2/ Day 11 & 12

Have you ever noticed that when you remove one addiction you just replace it with another?  Well, I have to admit that I'm struggling right now.  I definitely have some emotional food habits I need to deal with.  I think it's more than food though.  It's boredom and habit.  I'm also staying up later.  I want to take a break from technology for a while.  I like journaling though.  I'm not sure how much restraint I'll have to keep journaling, but not do anything else on the internet.  I'd like to stop everything.  Cut the tv, phones and internet off.  I feel like I need something simpler.  I want to live on some land and just be able to play with R outside.  I don't feel like I can do that now.  I feel like I'm stuck in this tornado.  So, I've started meditating again.  I swear, when I move, the tv is going down in the basement and the computer too.  I just want to travel with R and teach her that way.  I don't want to be stuck inside anymore.  I'm feeling claustrophobic.  What does this all have to do with my 90 in 9?  I think that losing weight and changing these habits have changed a lot of things.  My emotional issues are definitely coming to the front.  This is the part of the cycle that's the hardest.  Phase 1 I think you're so focused on just making it through, that you don't have time to think about what got you there.  Adding foods back in and not being on a schedule forces you to think about your motivation and whether or not you're really hungry.  Ugh...  I'm struggling this time.  So, my addiction is a cigarette during R's nap and one at bedtime.  Then my other addiction has been the sugar free ice cream.  Sigh.....  So, I have a lot to do.  I need to do the Forgiveness meditation everyday for a while I think.  Maybe even several times a day.  I need to find something to do when I'm bored.  It just seems like I have no energy to get her ready to get out.  If I can start the day without tv and the computer, then my day goes slower.  I'm rambling right now because it's so late.  That's why this is a double post.  Time to go to bed.  Think of me though.  When you pray or meditate, think of me.

CAN vs CAN'T and the price of cheating. (Cycle 2, Phase 2, Day 10)

I think I have a similar post from last cycle.  I probably will every cycle.  We talked once before about how doing this program is about choices.  It's not about what you can't have.  It's about what you CAN!  While you're on Phase 1 you may feel so very restricted.  Stop thinking about how you can't have different foods. Start thinking about the fact these are the foods you CAN have that will help you toward your goal.  These foods were chosen because they are the best foods that will help you to lose that 0.5-1 lb a day!  On those days you just feel like you just don't care and by golly, you're going to have a piece of pizza.  Well, have it by golly.  You CAN.  You won't get the results you want, but you CAN.  It will set you back probably a couple of days, but if that's worth it to you then do it.  Choices.  That's all it's about.  When you follow the program completely, you WILL succeed.  There are days though, that you just don't care and you want eat out with your family.  This is a choice I was faced with last night.  My daughter (she's almost 4) was craving a steak.  Yes, she's a big time carnivore.  Anyway.. I took her to Texas Roadhouse and we had steaks.  Before we left I had no intention of cheating.  As we sat down however, I started to change my mind.  It's been 53 days since I've had any sort of bread (who's counting?)  I did a 40 day Phase 1 this time.  So, as I said I had a choice to make.  Was I going to cheat or was I going to stick to the "rules" of Phase 2.  I'm not going to call them "rules."  I'm going to call them CANS.  The things I CAN have to reach my goal.  I CAN have, EVERYTHING except starch and sugar.  That's A LOT of stuff!  (Reminds me a little of the Tree of Knowledge of good and evil.  I don't know why I just thought about that because this is not at all as heavy as that.  You aren't choosing to disobey God in this case.  I just thought about it, because my brain likes to jump around as you see)

Anyway.... I'm going to start over down here because I got way off track up there.  So, I had a choice to make.  Knowing that if I cheated there would be a chance that I'd have to do a steak and apple day, I decided to go ahead and cheat.  I like steak anyway..  Well, they brought out the bread and I looked at the menu.  I ate one roll.  It was good, but not quite what I was hoping for.  Maybe it would have been better with actual butter not that yucky cinnamon butter stuff they have.  I had my salad.  That was yummier than the bread!  My daughter shared it with me.  We found out that blue cheese crumbles are a little too strong for her.  Haa!  My food came out.  Way more steak than I should have had, but dang it was good.  I loved every bite.  Even, when my tummy started feeling like it might be getting stretch marks I kept eating.  What in the world?!  I tried to do what Tom says about when you're done eating.  He says that it loses it's taste after a while.  Nope!  I tasted every. single. bite!  Then I stole 2 crunchy fries off of my daughter's plate.  She just ate the steak, no fries.  So, it doesn't sound like a bad cheat does it?  I weighed this morning and I'm 0.2 over median. So, I actually gained 0.4 because I was 0.2 under yesterday.  Still, not bad right?

Maybe it was bad though.  What I realized this morning as I weighed is that this is what I did last cycle.  I would have a tiny bit here and there and have no issues, so I'd have a little more.  By the end of my 21 days I was already eating like I was on Phase 3.  Cheating and then not seeing a bad result on the scale just gave me confidence to do it again.  So, this is why I think it's way worse to cheat.  Go ahead if you must.  I think though, that by cheating we're missing out.  We're missing out on the chance to work on ourselves.  Not just self control.  If you got through Phase 1 then, that's not an issue.  We're working on the mental part of eating.  The not eating for comfort thing.  Eating only when we're hungry.  Then, stopping before our stomachs get stretch marks.  This Phase 2 is extremely important.  It's not about the CANT'S.  It's about the CANS.  It's about remembering our original goal.  It's about working on our minds so that we can really be ready when it's time to move on.  It's about not giving ourselves permission to eat the bad stuff (though we can), but instead choosing to give ourselves permission to eat the stuff that will be good for our bodies.  Isn't that where most of us have failed in the past?  Choosing the bad over the good.  Choosing it because for some reason we don't feel like we deserve the "good stuff."  If our body is a temple, then let's start treating it that way.  Let's take each Cycle as a chance to clean out our temple.  Phase one would be cleaning everything out and de-cluttering.  Phase 2 is moving in the furniture.  The things that have to be in there.  Finally, Phase 3 would be decorating.  Putting in a few final little touches that make it our own.  Sometimes we have so much weight to lose that we repeat the cycles.  That's ok.  Don't feel discouraged.  Don't think about the CAN'TS.  There are way more CANS!  You CAN do it!  I believe in you.  Hopefully that's enough to get you started.  Sometimes that's all I need is for someone else to believe in me.  So, I'll be your someone if you want.

Forgiveness - Cycle 2/ Phase 2/ Day 6

I'm not Buddhist, but there are some aspects of it that I find very helpful.  I once bought this CD set called Buddhist Meditation for Beginners.  It was at a point in my life when I was very unsure how I felt about my own faith.  I'm still unsure to be honest.  I felt growing up that I was being strong handed into a religion that I didn't fully agree with.  As an adult I converted to Catholicism, but still there are things that I don't agree with.  Anyway, so this CD pack comes with guided meditations.  This is what I wanted.  There's one in particular that (just thinking about it makes me cry,) has been amazing!  It's a guided forgiveness meditation.  Man alive!  I swear to you, if you do this one you will be sobbing.  I don't care if you haven't cried in 47 years, this one will have you snotting.  I just got the essential oil called Forgiveness and it does smell great.  I put a little on, but I think when I get my diffuser, I'm going to do the meditation with the oil.  So, let me tell you about this meditation.  My mom and grandma, I think, just knew that me getting these CD's meant I was just going against god.  What I don't think people, especially churchy people, realize is that meditation is just like praying really.  Doing a rosary is praying, but also a meditation.  So, I really feel like it can go both ways.  Dang!  I keep getting off topic.

FORGIVENESS ..... I realized in the last post toward the end when I wrote myself that thank you, that I was actually forgiving myself.  I was finally going easy on myself.  Letting go (for that moment) of those mean, negative thoughts my brain tells me.  That was huge.  When I went back and re-read it I started crying.  I've been so mean to myself.  I'm fat, not worth it, unattractive.... That's crap!  So I banish you, you horrible monster.  You are not allowed in my brain anymore.  I'm am printing out that thank you note and I'm going to post it everywhere.  I'm going to post it as affirmation and to remind myself that I'M the one that controls those voices.  I'M the one that can make myself feel worthless and unattractive.  It won't matter how much weight I lose, if I still keep that monster in my head.  That monster will always try to steer me back into the rut I was in.  So.... I banish you!  And, I forgive you.  I FORGIVE you!  I FORGIVE you Doug, the man that raped me.  I FORGIVE you Mike, the man that molested me as a child.  I FORGIVE you crazy family, that has been nothing but pain to me since I was born.  I FORGIVE you SAM.  I forgive you for doing harmful things to yourself.  You were doing the best you could.  I can forgive.  I CAN forgive.  I can, because it's healthy for me to do so.  You can't swim while holding onto a boulder.  So, I'm letting go.  I'll still be working on forgiving myself, but others I'm done with.  They are the ones responsible.  In return I will also ask forgiveness from the people I have harmed.  I may not be able to personally do so, but I will put it out there.  I will ask it and send it to the heavens.  I hope they receive it and do the same for me.

This had nothing to do with weight.  Or.. maybe it does.  Maybe the weight we carry on our body is just a manifestation of the emotional weight we carry.  I've heard that people that practice Reiki are often overweight from healing people.  I'm over my median today.  I had a bit of a day yesterday.  I'm not more than 2 over, but I'd rather be 2 under.  So, I'm just going to examine my motivation for eating today.  Fortunately those stupid Klondike bars are gone.  In my tummy, but gone.  (They were delicious!)  I just want to say to you this.....  Forgive yourself.  Take care of yourself, and go easy.  Give yourself a break, even if it's just for today.

43 Pounds Ago..... or Cycle 2/ Phase 2/ Day 3

43 pounds ago, 

• I was very uncomfortable in my skin.
• I was self conscious about myself.
• I had given up.  I didn't care about what I ate or did.  
• I was scared that I might die and my child wouldn't have a mommy.
• I was in pain when I slept or sat for too long
• I was actually considering getting a bariatric procedure because I'd tried it all.
• I didn't think I'd ever be able to shop off the rack again.
• I hated bathing suits and just knew everyone was calling me a beached whale
• I would never have tried roller blading.
• I wouldn't have started working toward my original career goal
• I was ashamed to let my husband see me or hug me.
• I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH

That was 43 pounds in the past.  Now that past is gone.  Literally.  It is gone.  Down the drain and out to sea.  It's gone.  With every pound some emotional pounds have come off too.  So, here's my new list.

43 pounds later...

• I still have a ways to go, but I'm feeling more comfortable.
• I don't care what people think.  If only they knew where I just was 3 months ago.
• I feel hopeful again.  Although, I love my chorizo, I do care about what goes in my body.
• I still have fears about dying (that's the mommy thing,) but I'm not afraid it will be b/c of my health.
• I can't believe I had actually considered a major surgery for my weight!
• I am almost there.  I actually saw something on the rack that was my size!
• I still hate bathing suits for now, but the one I wore last year looks downright cute this year!
• I am roller blading!  Having so much fun!  I've never done it before and I'm not good, but having fun.
• I'm ready to push forward and finish my degree.  I'm going to be the person I wanted to be when I was little and before I let men get in my way.  
• I will still be self conscious around my husband, but I feel better.  There's more than weight.  The baby stretch marks, the flab around the c-section scar.  I'm still working on this one
• I'M WORTH IT!  

43 pounds in the future...

• I hope to feel content looking at my naked body in the mirror
• I won't care at all what people think.  It won't even be a thought in my head
• Eating well will be second nature and won't be such a struggle
• I won't worry about my health because of my weight
• I will be shocked and proud that I searched for an alternative to surgery
• Off the rack!  That won't be a problem
• No swim dress for me.  Though, they are cute.
• I'll be doing more than roller blading.  I'll be back to running and maybe even some hiking and climbing with my husband
• I will be working hard on my degree
• I will be less inhibited around him.  Just happy that I'll fit in his arms like I used to.
• I'LL EXPECT MORE FROM MYSELF, KNOWING I CAN DO IT!

This has been so much more than a weight loss journey.  It's been an emotional one as well.  I feel like I'm just discovering the woman I am and who I want to be.  It will always take work.  Even, when I'm at the weight I want to be, I will probably always have emotional issues to work on.  It's hard.  That's harder than the program I'm doing.  Thank you Tom and Vicki for sharing with me your message of hope.  Thank you Vicki for being so like me, that I can see the woman I'd like to become.  Thank you Karla for being a mentor to me and answering my questions.  Thank you, whoever reads this.  It helps keep me going.  I don't want to disappoint anyone let anyone see my fail.  This has been a great way to journal.  It's mostly been for me.  Last person to thank.  Thank you Samantha Belina, for doing your best.  Thank you for caring about your family enough to try "one more thing."  Thank you for not giving up even when it was hard.  Thank you for taking care of yourself.  Thank you!  You ARE worth it!  You ARE beautiful and you ARE smart.  You ARE a good mom.  You can do it.  I have no doubts.  It's ok to fall.  You have people around to help you get back up.  So, be easy on yourself.  

CHEATER, CHEATER, CHEATER!

Little R woke up from her nap in a bad mood.  I was going to make a steak, but she wanted to get out.  I knew then, that I was going to eat bad.  I didn't get the the restaurant and get tempted.  I knew that I wanted to be bad.... so, I was.  We ate at a Mexican place that I love.  I only ate a few chips, but the rest was soooooo fatty and cheesy.   Well, it felt that way.  I had a salad, but even that was not quite as healthy as a salad should be.  It was so good though.  If I gain (and I know I will) it will be so worth it.  If I gain over 4 lbs it may not be.  That's how much I'd have to gain for me to be 2+ over median.  So, hopefully that won't happen.  We'll see tomorrow!  Just felt like I should clear the air in the event I wake up and I'm back at my starting weight.  ;-)  Haa!  (Well, I wouldn't laugh then.)  OK, fingers crossed.

Cycle 1/Phase 2/Day 17

I have a feeling that this next phase is going to be tough.  This one hasn't been too tough.  I haven't had any cravings really and it hasn't been too hard to make good choices.  I usually make one bad choice a day though, just to balance the good. ;-)  I guess I'm worried to add back in carbs and sugar.  That opens a lot of naughty doors.  I could get in a lot of trouble.  My biggest hurdles are going to be wanting something salty and crunchy.  I haven't really had those cravings, but I also know I can't have them, so I haven't given it a second thought.  It's a few days away though, so hopefully I can just keep in mind how hard I've worked and what my goal is.

This is not the best quality picture.  I don't have any sort of editing software on my computer, which is a bummer because I have a mac.  Anyway... This is my goal, sort of.  My goal is to have a slimmer body of course, but also no double chin, and thinner arms and legs.  I'm muscular and always will be, so I know I'll never be supermodel thin.  So...  this is my goal for the end of November.  I have a copy of this on my fridge.  It's also on my desktop, so I don't forget my goal.



Weight: 217.5/-2

Cycle 1/Phase 2/Day 16

I'm still below the median by 3 pounds.  I'm trying today to eat more.  It's so strange to have this problem.  I'm not sure if it's for real or the scale.  I changed the battery because I was having some trouble with it.  I would weigh, but the numbers seemed off so I'd weigh again.  Sometimes if I weighed three times the weight would be different each time.  So, I changed the battery.  I hope this helps things.  Well gotta go!




Weight: 217.5/-3

Cycle 1/Phase 2/Day 15

Doing well.  I have a hard time with this phase, but not in the way I thought I would.  I thought I would have a hard time because I'd want to snack and munch.  The fact is, I am having the opposite problem.  You know when you hear those skinny people say, "Oh!  I totally forgot to eat!  I just got so busy."  I hate it when people say that!  I really do.  Drives me crazy.  I feel like they're just trying to make it seem as if they don't have any food issues and I must be low on will power.  You know what though?  I became one of those people!  What in the world?!  I have never  IN. MY. LIFE been able to say I forgot to eat.  Never!  Lately though, I have.  I think about it, then just don't do it.  My problem with this phase has not been gaining too much, but teetering right on the edge of the median.  I'm one toe over the low side.  Not that I couldn't stay up.  I'm just amazed at how much I do eat and not gain over the median.  This must be because my body has been reset.  It has to be!  So, I'm doing well.  I'm enjoying the excuse to eat whatever I'd like to eat.  I've even cheated a little here and there.  Not bad, but just little things off of R's plate.  Anyway...  This phase is almost over and I'll have a new challenge when I add the carbs and sugar back in.



Weight: 217.5/-3

Cycle 1/Phase 2/Day 13 & 14

I forgot to post yesterday!  Can you believe it!?!  Same weight for both days.  I've been so naughty and cheating every now and then.  I had a chip today, a crab rangoon a couple of days ago.  Little things like that.  It hasn't affected my weight, but I wonder if that's going to do anything to my future weight loss.  Guess I should put in a call to my sponsor.


Weight: -1.5 from median (217.5)

Cycle 1/Phase 2/Day 12

I didn't gorge yesterday, just ate naughty stuff.  Haa!  I gained 1lb back.  I still need to gain .5 so I'm back at -2.  Anyway... nothing much going on.  Tired as usual.  LOL!



217.5/-2.0

Cycle 1/Phase 2/Day 11

Oooopsie!  I'll figure this out one day.  I'm going to have to have an eating day.  Maybe I'll write more later.  Every morning I blog and every morning my kiddo acts as if I have never paid any attention to her.  She sleeps with me!  How can I not have paid any attention to her!  Sigh..



217.5/-3.5

Cycle 1/Phase 2/Day 10

Oh man!  I sooo cheated last night!  I had 1.5 crab rangoons and they were so yummy!  Fortunately there was no change on the scale.  Yay!  Well, my daughter is sick today, so I'm making this fast.



1.5 under median

Cycle 1/Phase 2/Day 9

Nothing new to report.  Well, maybe one thing.  I was doing a bit of calculating and I realized that the end of Cycle 1 and my Load days will be on the day I have my surgery.  So, I think I'm going to have to wait to do my Load days after my mouth heals.  Otherwise there will be no way I can load properly.  That may have been a problem or one reason I had so many stalls in this cycle.  I can't believe I'm halfway there!



Weight: 217.5/-1.5

Cycle 1/Phase 2/Day 8

Weight: 217/-2

Cycle 1/Phase 2/Day 7

I was a little worried when I first weighed this morning.  It showed that I was -4 under the median.  I weighed again, and it was the same.  I weighed a couple more times and it showed that I was -1.5.  I'm going to go with that number.  I'm wondering if it's time for a new scale?  Anyway...  I'm surprised that I'm not having any cravings.  Of course there are things that I'd like to have, but it's not calling to me.  Well time for an update.


Weight 217.5/-1.5

Cycle 1/Phase 2/Day 6

Hi friends.  Here's the update for today.  It's been another busy day, so a late update.  I was a little surprised that I lost again today.  I know I didn't eat a lot yesterday, but in the past I could have done that and gained.  Anyway, I hope that today helped because I'm below my -2.  I feel like I ate so much today.  I should be back in the range I need to be by tomorrow.  I don't mind having to eat more though.  That does not make me sad.  The other thing that doesn't make me sad is being able to eat and egg with chorizo on it.  You know.. that makes me very happy!  I had that for lunch in case you were wondering.  Ha!  I have to get back on my meal plan.  It's so much easier when I have a plan of what we're going to eat.  Well, I'm going to go for now.  Nothing major in my life.


Weight: 217.5/-2.5

Cycle 1/Phase 2/Day 5

It's been a busy day!  Sorry for the late post.  Well, I am at 2 lbs below the median.  So... I guess I'm going to have to be careful.  I say that, and I was only able to eat once today.  Well, I did have some yogurt.  So, I ate sashimi (raw fish) and cucumber rolls and yogurt.  Hopefully that will be enough.  I have dinner, so I'll have to eat a little more.  Maybe I'll put a little extra dressing on my salad.  LOL!  This is a problem I don't mind having.


Weight: 217.5/-2

Cycle 1/Phase 2/Day 4

Got my new (digital) piano last night.  Very exciting!  I don't really have much to say right now.  Can you believe it?!  I'm just going to update weight.


Weight: 217.5/-1

Cycle 1/Phase 2/Day 3

This portion of the cycle is certainly an adjustment.  I'm not having a hard time with items on the list that aren't allowed.  I'm not really having a rough time at all.  Maybe it's just that I'm having to listen to my body again, which isn't something I've done in a while.  Sometimes I don't know if I'm hungry or thirsty or maybe just have a tummy ache.  I've also been having a lot of heartburn.  I had it in Phase 1 a lot.  Usually after I took the probiotic.  Now, it's just anytime.  I was thinking maybe it was that I was adding fat back in my diet.  It still may be, but I haven't changed my diet that much at all since before starting this.  The only thing I changed was no added sugar and starch.  I was eating the exact same stuff.  Well, I'll just keep an eye on it.

When I was on The TeamDau Wellness group page on Facebook yesterday, I saw that there was a question posted.  It said, "What is one benefit besides weight loss that you have experienced since starting this program?"  Or something like that.  Well that's easy for me.  I had been thinking about it earlier yesterday, so I had my answer already.  Weight loss has been great -17 is a lot!  I knew that the science behind the hcg protocol is to reset the hypothalamus.  What I didn't expect is that it would reset my desires as well.  There have been some mental blocks lately when it comes to making healthy and good choices.  Whenever I went out to a restaurant, I wouldn't want to chose something healthy on the menu.  In fact, I would feel a little panicky.  It was almost as if I did, I might never get to experience the taste of the other foods.  My brain would say things like, "You can have salmon anytime you want.  Why would you eat that instead of trying the buffalo chicken sandwich.  A yummy battered and fried chicken breast smothered in ranch with butter toasted buns.  How about that side of fries you love so much.  Would you really want to miss out on them?!"  How can you fight with that?!  It's hard that's for sure.  The sad part is that I didn't used to have that battle.  There was a time, about 5-6 years ago that I didn't have that struggle.  I had two miscarriages in a row.  One was very traumatic because it ended up being an emergency.  It was pretty bad.  Just think... Carrie.  Not pleasant.  So, after that I stopped caring I guess.  Anything healthy just didn't sound appealing.  It sounded gross.  With the first pregnancy, I craved salad.  With R I craved oatmeal cream pies and steak.  Pretty big difference.  Fast forward to today.  After doing the hcg protocol (which I'm not done with yet) I feel like it not only reset my hypothalamus.  It reset that part of my brain that didn't used to care about healthy choices.  I still love those foods, but I don't crave them.  When I think about them, I don't salivate.  I don't hurt because I'm not going to go get them.  I'm actually happy about my spinach salad with tons of veggies and a little of a creamy dressing.  I loved my chicken with salsa and asparagus.  That's a huge benefit.  I didn't expect it, but I'm glad it happened.

The last I wanted to mention before I update weight is that I think the tough part of this phase is going to be learning how much I can eat a day.  I felt like such a glutton yesterday!  I had an omelet, some chicken with salsa and asparagus for lunch.  I had a cheese stick, because I was starving before dinner.  For dinner I had a steak and a salad with veggies in it.  Oh!  I even had a little bit of ice cream for lunch.  I wasn't hungry, but it sounded like a good treat.  That was a little mistake I made yesterday.  I had done well stopping when full at lunch, but that ice cream was like a Siren to me.   My tummy felt full for a while after lunch.  Then, after dinner I was full too.  I drank all my water too.  I was sure that I would probably gain weight today.  Well wasn't I surprised!


Weight: 217.5/-1    <- Down a pound and a half from yesterday's weigh in.