Mid Day Update

Well, I'm going to be really honest and tell you that I'm starving today.  My tummy has been growling all day and I just feel very hungry.  It got a little easier around 10:30 am.  I ate my lunch around noon, and at the moment it felt like I was eating a huge amount.  An hour later though, I felt hunger pains again.  My tummy was super growly again.  It has been a rough day.  I sure hope this doesn't last because I can't do 30 days of this.  I thought about splitting up my meals and I may do that tomorrow.  I sure hope this hcg does what it's supposed to soon.  I'm not feeling discouraged yet, but I know that if this continues I won't be able to keep it up and then I'll be back to square one.  Sigh...  We'll see how it goes tomorrow.

Cycle 1/Phase 1/Day 3

OK!  Here it goes.  It's 7:45am and I just weighed.  After yesterday's pig out session, I'm absolutely surprised I didn't gain again.  See?  That's just what I was talking about.  One day I don't eat and I'll gain 2,  I pig out and lose.  Whatever!  Back to today...  In following this program I will be weighing in everyday.  I sure hope I'll make it to lunch.  It's been a long time since I've listened to my body and not the clock when it comes to eating, so this may be a tough day for me.  The boredom thing will probably get me too.  I'm such a breakfast girl.  I can split my lunch up I suppose, but I think if I drink a lot of water this morning, and maybe have some gum, I'll make it.  My meals for today are made.  It's too early for me to have anything really profound to say (not that I really ever do.)  Off topic... my daughter is killing me!  She's totally phased out of napping.  She went from 3 hours to nothing in one day.  She didn't wean me off of her naps!  That stinks.  She will do quiet time though, so I'm thankful.  Oh, and as tired as I am lately you'd think I'd pass out.  I stayed awake for an hour last night, then kept waking up every couple of hours.  Sigh...  This is the only time I wish she was in daycare.  I'll probably post again today.  I'm sure as the day progresses, I'll have plenty of thoughts about this program. 


Weight: 235.5

Cycle 1/Phase 1/Day 2

Second load day.  I know it's totally possible to gain weight on load days, but when I stepped on the scale I was quite surprised.  I didn't go crazy yesterday at all.  This just reminds me of why I'm doing what I'm doing though.  Then.. I remember what my body is like and I'm not at all surprised!  You'd think if you ate less you'd gain less, but that's not always the case with me.  Just a week or so ago I was almost 7 pounds heavier.  I'm looking forward to resetting my body, getting my do-over and being able to not be a slave to the scale.  I will be for a while, I suppose, until I get at my ideal created weight.


Weight: 236.5


I wrote the above at about 8am.  It's about 2 now.  Why oh why oh why do I not feel like eating today?!  I have permission today to pig out and I just am not hungry.  Of course tomorrow, when I know I won't be able to, I'll just swear I'm dying from hunger.  On another note...  I have prepared all the meals I'll need to get me through this week.  I've cooked a few and others I have just prepared and portioned out.  The fish I'll be having tomorrow is portioned and the vegetables are cut up, so it should be easy.  Little R saw all the meat and nearly passed out!  That girl loves meat!  When I say love, I mean I had to swat her hand away from the raw meat because she was going to try to snag some.  Silly girl.  I'm beginning to think I should have double some of the recipes, but that's ok, I'll know next time.  It's actually kind of a relief not having the fridge so full I can't see what's in the back.  Food will probably not go to waste now.  That's always sickening when I look in the produce bin and it's soft and moldy.  OK, well the cooking is done, the kiddo is maybe napping and I'm going to find some fat to put in my body so that I'll be ready for tomorrow! 

The tragedy of first position

Why is this on a blog about weight loss?  Well, first of all it's my blog so I can do what I want.  :-P  The second and most important thing is that it reminds me of what every good kid's book talks about.  Perseverance.  "I think I can.. I think I can.."  Not giving up.  It's a pretty stinken cute video and I giggled until I was crying.  What struck me after I watched it 14 times, was that the sweet little girl just kept going.   Now, next time I think I can't I'll remember her and know that I can with enough hard work, determination, support, and practice.  You go girl!

Why Wait?!

I just got back from the grocery store, and realized... why wait?!  I'm a little late starting today, but never too late to load!  I took my hcg just a minute or two ago, and I'll just eat like crazy today.  That won't be a problem at all ;-)  Tomorrow will be my second load day, then I can start on Monday.!  I should be able to get most stuff cooked by then and I can keep going as the week goes on.  Most of the meals are crock pot meals thank goodness.  The others I can throw on the grill.  I CAN do this!  I will!  I just weighed in.  It's a little late, but I haven't eaten today.  I also have on clothes so that may change things when I weigh tomorrow.

Weight: 234.5

Start Date

If I can get my act together and to shopping today or tomorrow, I could actually start on Monday.  I wouldn't have to cook immediately because the first 2 days are load days anyway..  I think that would be best.  The nice thing is that in the packet is a meal planner and shopping list.  If you shop according to the meal plan, you only shop once a month.  That sounds great, but usually these plans make way too much food.  I was able to figure out 2 weeks, making the 2 serving meals.  Basically I'm going to have left overs instead of a new meal each night.  If hubby was here it wouldn't matter, because he'd eat the other half.  I sure hope r eats some.  I went through my freezer and tossed so much stuff yesterday.  I'm going to do the same with the refrigerator.  Fortunately we haven't bought processed pantry stuff in a long time, so I don't have to get rid of that.  I think I'm prepared now, to do what I need to do.  We'll see! 

I'm happy to know that I at least have people I can call and talk to.  I did the 6 weeks Body Makeover and while they have forums and people you can call, it's just not the same.  I called once and it was like a calling center.  I'm sure the lady knew what she was doing, but it wasn't personal.  She was trained, I suppose on the diet, but I didn't feel like I was that important.  She had to take calls from lots of people, so she wouldn't spend 30 minutes talking to me if I needed it, you know?  When I called to order the program, it was a similar experience.  I called in and it was a calling center.  When I called TeamDau Wellness, I actually talked to Tom (the owner of the company.)  Whenever I've called, that's who answers the phone.  I love that they have meetings I can attend even though I can't be there in person.  These are different from Weight Watchers meetings.  They aren't pushing a product.  I just feels different.  I can't explain.  I'm happy about this decision.  I hope that after reading this and when you see the difference it's making in my life, you'll decide to do the same.  Eeeek!  I'm excited!

It's Here!!

It's here!  It's here! It's here!  My program made it today.  Now, I only have to find time to shop and prepare my food.  That's going to be the tough part.  In fact, I think that's harder than the program itself.  I'm excited though, and it's a good thing that they have a shopping list and meal planner.  Awesome!  Although I'd like to shop tomorrow morning or Sunday, I think I'll wait until Tuesday.  I don't want to, but I'll actually have a sitter those days and that's payday.  I may see if I can do half of it, since it will just be me doing this.  I'm not sure if r will want any.  I think some of it she'll like.  She likes fresh foods, so it will probably be fine.  So, we'll see.  I'll let you know! 

A Wake Up Call

Today as I was driving home I was having these strange pains in my chest.  They were sort of left of center.  They were intermittent.  For a while I was scared that maybe I was having a heart attack.  I'm a bit of a hypochondriac when my husband is deployed.  That's a different story though.  So, I was having these pains and I started looking up symptoms women have when they have a heart attack.  I know they have different symptoms sometimes.  Anyway.... I of course asked my friends on Facebook what they thought.  I mean what else would a person do right?  (I know that's stupid)  Well, I have friends on there from when I went to EMS school, and I have a few medics, nurses and a doctor or two as friends, so I thought they may chat with me.  I was pretty sure I wasn't dying at the moment.  I mean, if I was I wouldn't be on Facebook.  (I know how it sounds, and it was NOT an anxiety attack.  I am used to those and they never manifest that way)  Then I started worrying that I may die and my child would be with my dead body for 2 weeks before I was discovered.  I know.. I'm neurotic.  The point I'm trying to make is that I was afraid I was having a heart attack.  I'm obese and although I've had blood work done that doesn't show that I have any risk factors, I was still afraid.  I worry about my health.  I have joint pain.  I have pain in my leg when I go from sitting on the floor to standing.  I hate that!  I hate exercising, but I used to like it.  I have had higher blood sugars.  Not incredibly high, but the high side of normal.  I don't want to die yet.  I'm not afraid of dying, but I just don't want to die right now.  I don't want to make my daughter mommy-less.  I don't think I'm that close to having medical issues associated with my weight, but I could if I don't get a handle on this.  This is my chance.  If I don't do this then I'll have to consider surgery.  That's not something I want to consider, but I don't know what else to do if I can't get this weight off and keep it off.  I need to get healthy again.  This task ahead of me is not just about looking good, and feeling good about myself, but being a healthy individual for my child and my husband and myself.  I have a lot of work to do, and it's overwhelming.  I just pray that I'll have the strength and support to see this through to the end.  Here's to a healthier me!

Waiting..waiting..

As the title says.. I'm just waiting.  I don't know when my kit will get here.  It could be today or maybe tomorrow.  I hope it's today though.  I would like to get started as soon as possible.  While I'm waiting I'll share with you something I was thinking about today.  I was in the car today and I thought about Blame.  It's so easy to blame someone else for the mistakes you make or the problems you have.  None of what I'm about to share is profound.  It's just hard sometimes to own up to your mistakes or issues.  I would love to blame my food issues on someone else.  It would be even better if I could blame my body.  The problem is it's nobody's fault.  It's partly mine, for not taking care of myself before now.  Learning more about the obesity disorder has really helped me to stop shouldering ALL of the blame.  When the hypothalamus isn't working correctly it's more common for a person to be obese.  Some of the reasons for that may be trauma, stress or genetics.  I can't explain as well as Dr. Simeons, but that's what this program I'm on is supposed to do.  It resets the hypothalmus so that the body will start using the abnormal fat in the body as fuel instead of just packing it away.  Of course I'm going to have to change my eating habits as well as my mental issues about food.  That's the part I'm most nervous about.  So, today is about taking charge and taking responsibility.  It's not about blame.  When I spend all my time thinking of who I can blame it takes away from the time I could spend doing something.  So, here's me doing something.  It happens to be waiting at the moment.  While I'm waiting though, I'll be reading, researching and planning my attack.

A New Life

There's an amazing song with the same title as this post.  I don't know if you're into musicals, but it's Jekyll & Hyde.  If I could add it to this play list I would, but for now you'll have to check it out on iTunes.  Anyway..  She sings about a new life, a new start, a new hope.  I have always loved this song.  I guess I have always felt that I would like a new start too.  If I could just have a do over, things would be different.  Lots of What if's.  Well, since that isn't possible I'll just have to start over now.  Change the things that I can starting now.  I'm certainly not old, but even if I was it would never be too late to make your life mean something more.

My huge hurdle right now is my weight.  I think it's something I have always dealt with.  Some of it has been just a product of listening to my mom talk about weight a lot.  I was told by a family member that she would pay me to lose weight.  That was immensely painful then, and I still am hurt by it.  I know she didn't mean to do that, but it still hurt.   I enlisted in the Air Force right after that and had more trouble with weight.  This time it wasn't gaining weight, but a fear of gaining weight.  I learned from my peers ways to lose weight quickly for weigh ins and had some major issues with eating disorders.  So, weight for me has never been fun.  Anyway...  the biggest trouble came after I got married and had a miscarriage, then eventually had a baby.  That's when it just got out of control.  From eating to feed my emotional pain to medication that made me gain huge amounts of weight, I just became miserable and hopeless.  I worked with trainers, and tried Weight Watchers.  (I'm not proud to say I'm a 3 time drop out.)  I've done Atkins, pills, and raw.  Recently I did the 6 Week Body Makeover and lost several pounds in the week I did it. (Yep, another drop out.)  I would love to blame my husband (the sweetest, most patient guy in the world) for enabling me, but that wouldn't be fair.

This brings us to today!  I'm starting another program.  I'm nervous that I won't have the strength or will power to continue the program.  I'm scared that I won't know what to do with myself when I have cravings and am bored.  I'm also scared that it just won't work for me.  This is it though.  My husband and I talked about my issues.  He's supportive no matter what, but while he's gone I need to do what I can to lose.  I figured if I could work on it by myself while he's gone and there's not as much temptation then we would know how to proceed when he comes home.  So, I have 9 months.  9 months to lose and get healthy.  All I've got to lose anymore is weight!  The program I'm doing is by TeamDau Wellness and I feel really good about it.  I love the support!  When I called to inquire about the program, the person that started it actually answered the phone!  I was so impressed.  He explained the science and I started reading the book they used to begin this program.  I'd heard of it before so it wasn't foreign to me.  I'm not trying to be vague, I'm just not ready to explain the specifics of the program to you.  You can go here  to check it out.  Anyway... after a skype support meeting last night, I realized I was ready!  I'm excited and scared, but I'm ready!  I have 9 months to lose 90, and I may not actually reach that specific goal, but if I can change my mind and start getting healthier it will all be worth it.

This is where I'm starting.  If you would like to support me, I'd certainly appreciate it.  This blog is mostly for me though.  Just a way for me to be accountable to myself.  I'm really embarrassed to see myself like this, but it helps to know what I need to work on.