Insomnia

Here I am again, not able to sleep!  Believe me I want to, but I'm just a giant bag of anxiety.  Ugh!  So, I figured while I'm here and totally loopy from exhaustion I'd go ahead and explain a little about my emotional issues with food. 

I am a food addict.  I went to an OA meeting once and never went back.  I guess I just wasn't ready to do the 12 step program for my addiction.  It did help me realize I am an addict though.  The tough part about being addicted to food is that you actually do need it to survive.  I wasn't always like this though.  I've had several traumas in my life.  The way I've handled my anxiety and depression has always been food.  Or smoking.  (I don't smoke anymore, but there is a pack that I keep for emergencies.  I can't let them go.  They're stale though, so even if I "needed" it, they would probably be horrible!)  Anyway....  several years ago I was bulimic.  I was pretty skinny.  I still didn't love the way I looked, but I was probably the most satisfied with my body than I have ever been.  That bulimia led to anorexia.  I'm not sure how long it all lasted.  Off an on after that I would binge and purge.  Never like before.  I guess that doesn't matter.  About a year after the start of the bulimia I was sexually assaulted and then I flipped the other direction.  I don't know if I was hoping to keep myself hidden or unattractive by being overweight.  What's hard to explain to myself is that being attractive didn't make me a target.  I just happened to be targeted by someone that thought I made an attractive target.  Do you understand?  It's hard for me to.  Anyway...  The bottom line is that he wouldn't have picked the me I am now, I'm sure of.  The me I was then wasn't at fault I know, but it still felt that way.  I had guilt about a lot of things.  I think I chose to control the outside of my body instead of the inside.  Later on I had miscarriages, one that was particularly horrendous. 

So! Stress in my life = Control with food   That's the way it's been ever since.  I've done countless diets.  Worked with lots of trainers.  Now I'm crazy overweight and my body is out of sorts.  I'm doing this program to help reset my brain so that it can regulate the weight part.  I also need to reset my inner self to get ready for the me that's being protected by this outside fluff.  I have A LOT to work on, but I have some time to do it before I'm ready to be free of this program. 

This all brings me around to why I'm doing 4 load days instead of 2.  As I mentioned, I was anorexic and bulimic.  I've done tons of fad and low fat diets.  I've worked with trainers doing hard exercise while also eating very low fat.  All of that could have depleted or removed some of the normal and structural fat in my body.  My heels were hurting while wearing certain shoes up until about a month ago.  I wear those same shoes now, and I'm fine!  (I didn't notice this until just the other day.)  Why?  Because I've been doing all these crazy diets and so even though I was losing fat and weight, I wasn't losing abnormal fat!  I was losing normal fat.  Structural fat even.  Not good.  So, the last 4 days I have eaten full fat meals.  (I have also had junk.  That was more of an emotional thing though.  Feeling like I was going to be deprived.  Something I need to work on.)  I'm building those normal fat stores so I will be able to lose that abnormal fat a little more regularly this cycle.  If all this sounds crazy or absurd to you, please consider reading Pounds and Inches by Dr. Simeons.  You don't even have to buy it.  You can find it online for free.  He started this protocol over 60 years ago and it has worked for thousands of people.  He explains the science behind his protocol.  It's fascinating and an easy read.  Believe me... I have a 3 year old!  Better yet, come to one of our Skype meetings or do a conference call with Tom and Vicki.  What have you got to lose?  Nothing but weight!

Cycle 2/ Phase1/ Day 4

Last load day!  I'm actually ready to begin the VLCD.  I have a couple of meals made already and others are prepared.  I'm actually starting to not be quite as hungry.  Maybe this will actually be a good thing that I did the 4 instead of 2 load days.  Maybe I won't be so hungry when I start tomorrow.  Anyway... I got a new scale.  I found a place where it can permanently reside.

This is my new weigh station.  It's also a new scale.  My old scale would give me a different answer each time.  I might as well have been using a Magic 8 Ball.  Ugh!  Anyway... I first tried it and it was weighing me about 4.5 more than the other.  I put them side by side in the new spot and tried it again 3 times and now it's about 1lb less.  So, I think it will just have to stay there.  I'm not sure how to document the difference.  It's only a pound, so will it matter?  I don't know.  So that's where I am.  I actually lost 2 lbs when I weighed this am.  I'm not sure if that's true.  Tomorrow will be a new day!


I think I may only update the amount lost per post and then post a table at the end of one week.  Like the one below. 

DATE	CYCLE DAY	CURRENT	DAILY LOSS	THIS CYCLE	TOTAL
04/21/11	1	219.5	0	0	15
04/22/11	2	219.5	0	0	15
04/23/11	3	221.5	2	2	13
04/24/11	4	219	2.5	2.5	15.5

Fear

I just have to mention that I'm scared to start the VLCD part on Monday.  I have no idea why.  I guess I"m scared to fail.  I don't know.  I'm more nervous this time than last time.  I was excited and motivated last time.  I'm still motivated, though not as much.  I think I'm starting to feel overwhelmed with the amount I need to lose.  I'm hoping that this cycle is a little more productive than the last.  I can't complain really.  I lost on average .65 lb a day.  That's not at all bad.  I'm just hoping to make it more like 1 lb a day.  That would be good.  I'd also like to have fewer stalls.  That was driving me crazy last time.  Seriously, I thought I was going to come unglued a few times when I looked at the scale. 

I finally went shopping today and got the food I needed.  I prepared a few meals already.  I made triple the recipe for the shredded beef.  That's my favorite.  I made a double batch of the lemon chicken recipe.  I need to make a few more things, but for now I think I'm prepared.  I'm going to make the meat balls and sauce.  I am traveling after this week, so I need to be able to pack my food in a cooler and take it with me.  My hotel has a microwave and a fridge.  I should be ok.  Anyway... I'll talk about that later.  For now, I'm going to lay down and relax a bit.  Maybe have something fatty. ;-)  I can you know!  It's my load day.  I have one more.  Maybe I'll go more into why I'm doing 4 instead of 2.  We'll see. 

Cycle 2/Phase 1/Day 3 (Load Day)

Third load day.  I like these load days, but I'm ready to start.  I don't have my meals made or a new scale though, so I'm going to have to wait.  I seriously need a new scale!  I weighed this morning and it said I gained 4lbs since yesterday!  I weighed 4 more times and it gave me a different answer.  I got 3 of the same, so that's what I'm going with.  See?  I changed the battery a couple of weeks ago.  Anyway....  It's funny that I'm back here again.  I wasn't sure if I would continue or try going to a doc to do this.  I'm taking my drops and I certainly don't feel hunger free yet.  I had a hard time with that last time though.  So, hopefully it won't take as long since I'm doing 4 load days.  What I found that worked for me, was to do the protein first thing in the morning.  So, I'll probably do that most days.  Splitting up the drops didn't help that much.  For anyone not familiar or wondering what I'm talking about, I'm doing the Hcg diet.  I've been working on this since late Feb. when I started this blog.  It's working for me and I have seen amazing results.  It really works!  Even when I added all the foods back in and ate when and what I wanted I still didn't gain!  I ate some crap too.  (Which I shouldn't have.  I am now trying to work on the emotional side of making good decisions.)  Fortunately, when I make crappy decisions I'm not gaining.  Except today, but it's a load day and it's normal and even expected to gain a couple of pounds.  So, I'll get on with the weight update.





Weight:  221.5/+2/-13

Cycle 2/Phase 1/Day 2 (Load Day)

Still loading.  I'm going to do 4 days of loading.  That's good and bad I suppose.  Good because I have to get groceries still, but bad because I really just want to get on with it.  Anyway... not much to say today. 



Weight: 219.5 (Still didn't get a new scale)

Cycle 2/Phase 1/Day 1 (Load Day)

Well, today is my first Load Day.  That's always fun, but I've not been doing well for Phase 3.  I really haven't.  With the tornadoes and not having anything in my fridge and other emotional issues, I was just eating junk all during Phase 3.  So, I'm not really sure I need to do Load Days, but I'm going to do what the program says.  I know it works.  I'm more nervous this time around.  Well, I'm not so sure about that.  I suppose I should start off this phase right by posting a pic, weight and measurements.  My weight may change tomorrow, because I need to get a new scale.  I am looking forward to eating more veggies and fruit.  I don't know why I felt like not eating them this last phase.  I was craving them during Phase 2.  I think part of the problem is that I stopped planning my meals out.  That would have been a huge help.  So, this time I plan to plan even after Phase 1.  I have to remember my goal.  90 in 9.  90 in 9.  I may not reach the 90 with this program, but I plan to work hard.  I'm hoping that there will be a noticeable change after this cycle.  I plan to do it for 40 days this time.  One step at a time.  Tomorrow I go grocery shopping.  I have NO food in my fridge.  See?

I had to toss just about everything since we had no power.  I probably should have tossed the probiotics, but I think they're going to be ok.  Some of that I put into the freezer.  Anyway....  Here's some other photos.

I don't feel like there's a whole lot of difference between the beginning of Cycle 1 and now.  I don't think I'm sucking in my gut.  I tried to relax.  I've been sucking in for years though, so it's second nature.  I tried to wear the same clothes too.  I couldn't find the black top, so I had to use this one.  Excuse the messy dining area.  I'm not very motivated lately.  Feeling a little depressed and overwhelmed.  So..... here's my start. 



Weight: 219.5  (+2 over median, but I know that doesn't count right now since this is the first day of Cycle 2)  I'd love to be under 200 at the end of this phase.  If I lose at the same rate as last cycle I should be at about 193.5.  So fingers crossed!

Cycle 1/Phase 3/Day 7

I have GOT to go shopping for this next cycle.  I'm supposed to be doing my meal plan and shopping list, but you see what I'm doing instead.  Anyway... I think I'm going to get a new scale too.  I really do think mine is not ok.  Today I weighed 3 times in the same spot and got two different weights a pound apart.  So, that stinks.  Oh!  I don't think it's the vitamins after all.  I'm not sure what is giving me the heart burn.  Sigh... It's less now that I'm not taking the vitamins, but not gone.  OK! 




Weight: -1 (under median)