Insomnia

Here I am again, not able to sleep!  Believe me I want to, but I'm just a giant bag of anxiety.  Ugh!  So, I figured while I'm here and totally loopy from exhaustion I'd go ahead and explain a little about my emotional issues with food. 

I am a food addict.  I went to an OA meeting once and never went back.  I guess I just wasn't ready to do the 12 step program for my addiction.  It did help me realize I am an addict though.  The tough part about being addicted to food is that you actually do need it to survive.  I wasn't always like this though.  I've had several traumas in my life.  The way I've handled my anxiety and depression has always been food.  Or smoking.  (I don't smoke anymore, but there is a pack that I keep for emergencies.  I can't let them go.  They're stale though, so even if I "needed" it, they would probably be horrible!)  Anyway....  several years ago I was bulimic.  I was pretty skinny.  I still didn't love the way I looked, but I was probably the most satisfied with my body than I have ever been.  That bulimia led to anorexia.  I'm not sure how long it all lasted.  Off an on after that I would binge and purge.  Never like before.  I guess that doesn't matter.  About a year after the start of the bulimia I was sexually assaulted and then I flipped the other direction.  I don't know if I was hoping to keep myself hidden or unattractive by being overweight.  What's hard to explain to myself is that being attractive didn't make me a target.  I just happened to be targeted by someone that thought I made an attractive target.  Do you understand?  It's hard for me to.  Anyway...  The bottom line is that he wouldn't have picked the me I am now, I'm sure of.  The me I was then wasn't at fault I know, but it still felt that way.  I had guilt about a lot of things.  I think I chose to control the outside of my body instead of the inside.  Later on I had miscarriages, one that was particularly horrendous. 

So! Stress in my life = Control with food   That's the way it's been ever since.  I've done countless diets.  Worked with lots of trainers.  Now I'm crazy overweight and my body is out of sorts.  I'm doing this program to help reset my brain so that it can regulate the weight part.  I also need to reset my inner self to get ready for the me that's being protected by this outside fluff.  I have A LOT to work on, but I have some time to do it before I'm ready to be free of this program. 

This all brings me around to why I'm doing 4 load days instead of 2.  As I mentioned, I was anorexic and bulimic.  I've done tons of fad and low fat diets.  I've worked with trainers doing hard exercise while also eating very low fat.  All of that could have depleted or removed some of the normal and structural fat in my body.  My heels were hurting while wearing certain shoes up until about a month ago.  I wear those same shoes now, and I'm fine!  (I didn't notice this until just the other day.)  Why?  Because I've been doing all these crazy diets and so even though I was losing fat and weight, I wasn't losing abnormal fat!  I was losing normal fat.  Structural fat even.  Not good.  So, the last 4 days I have eaten full fat meals.  (I have also had junk.  That was more of an emotional thing though.  Feeling like I was going to be deprived.  Something I need to work on.)  I'm building those normal fat stores so I will be able to lose that abnormal fat a little more regularly this cycle.  If all this sounds crazy or absurd to you, please consider reading Pounds and Inches by Dr. Simeons.  You don't even have to buy it.  You can find it online for free.  He started this protocol over 60 years ago and it has worked for thousands of people.  He explains the science behind his protocol.  It's fascinating and an easy read.  Believe me... I have a 3 year old!  Better yet, come to one of our Skype meetings or do a conference call with Tom and Vicki.  What have you got to lose?  Nothing but weight!